I’m the type of person who will laugh at almost anything, sometimes even on the concept of death. You can call me anything you want and I wouldn’t care. Maybe I’ll act like I do, since that is what society is expecting; but really I don’t give a flying fuck. Actually nowadays, giving a fuck seems to be a problem for me, since I just can’t give a fuck about anything. But I’ll get a laugh out of almost anything.
But there are certain things that can get on my nerves… for example if you insult my mother, brother or anyone else in my family. You can expect a punch in the face or maybe a kick in the stomach. I wouldn’t care who the flying fuck you are. And I’m paranoid for the safety of people who are close to me. To the point that when I go to a house I tend to try and find where items that can be used for self defense like knives, brooms and even forks are located, just in case that some bad people would come and barge in… at least I could defend myself and the people with me. And even if I die, at least I served as a diversion and the people with me can escape.
Aside from that, I tend to always have a pen inside my pocket or in my bag, regardless of where I’m going. I do that, because of two reasons; the first reason is because I might need to write something, like when inspiration hits. The other is back to self defense, a pen is actually a very effective self defense tool, even better than pepper spray and rape whistle in my opinion, since you can just jam that on on a person’s leg or eye ( O.o >>> I’m pretty sure you are making this face right now…).
So to put things short, I’m a bit of a sociopath… But really I won’t hurt anyone unless they gave a reason. I’m always ready to defend myself or the people close to me. I was not raised in a sheltered environment. I saw people get killed, I saw a man bleeding on the side of the damn highway because someone shot him in the head, I saw people chasing each other with knives and I’ve been with enough fake people to know when people are acting like a fake bitch in front of me.
I’ve felt hunger, I’ve known the feeling of wanting desperately to eat, but not being able to do so because you can’t afford shit. I know the feeling of having a dead best friend, since my best friend was shot dead in 2014… I know the feeling of seeing someone dying and not being able to help… because I also needed help. I know the feeling of crying helplessly like a child because everything in my life is falling apart in front of me and I can’t do shit about it.
I know the feeling of seeing my parents cry because they feel like they failed as a parent. I know the feeling of walking a kilometer or more just to get some cash so my brother and I could go to school. I know the feeling of seeing my brother crying because he really want to go to school but he can’t.
I learned to hold in my own tears, and to suck it up; because people around me are already bawling their fucking eyes out.
But with these experiences, I learned a lot of things. I learned to value what I have, I learned to value the people around me, I learned to be independent, I learned to not wait for things, but get them myself, I learned to fight, I learned to be aware of the things around me. And most of all, I learned to grow up. (and I learn how to value my money… -_- ) I learned that after everything the world wont wait up for me, I need to get up and move on.
The things I went through might seem extreme to some people but trust me, there are a lot of people that experienced and still experiencing much worse. I actually still consider myself pretty lucky. I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on, I have a family, I still get to eat. And I still breathe.
I didn’t make this post to solicit pity, or kindness; because I hate being pitied the most… I just made made this frankly because I want to… I’m not ashamed of who I am, I am not ashamed to tell people the things I’ve experienced. I’m not afraid to tell you who I am… I’m a woman, I’m a part of the LGBT community, I’m a Filipino, I’m a christian, I’m almost 21, I’m a cat person, I’m a Slytherin (in Pottermore), I’m an Aries, I’m alive.
And I wouldn’t change everything even if given the chance to do so. Because I’m proud of who I am.
(and here is the part when I say: thanks for reading… and see you all later. 🙂 )