A few days ago, I posted this status on my Facebook account: “I don’t want to be called beautiful, pretty or cute. I’d rather be called Fierce, smart and cool (by cool I mean a person who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what people think of her).” Then lo and behold; someone commented “If you don’t want to be called beautiful, then why do you do makeup?” good question. So really, why do I do makeup? And why do I even take the course Beauty Care if I don’t want to be called beautiful, since isn’t that course about beauty?
We’ll I just simply feel uncomfortable with being called beautiful, pretty or cute; since those words doesn’t really suit my personality… yes, I will say thanks and even smile at the person complimenting me, due to the fact that those three words we’re meant as compliments. But really those do not suit me, due to fact that I don’t feel like they do. 🙂 That simple. And don’t you dare feel sorry for me and say things like “Oh, but you are (pick one of the three)…” or “Poor girl, she doesn’t feel beautiful.” because frankly different people have different personalities or ideas. And I know that a lot of girls want to feel beautiful, and everyone deserves feeling beautiful. But really I’m the type of person who likes the feeling of being confident and strong.
I know I sound weird for a girl, but really I don’t want to be called any of those three. But… I do appreciate beauty, I do appreciate other people’s beauty, I do appreciate beautiful sceneries, animals and things. But I’d rather be called confident… since confidence is harder to achieve and it took me longer to get that feeling to stick to me, I already knew since I was young that I was beautiful; since EVERYBODY is in their own way. So my mind goes like; why state the obvious? ( 😛 ) I really do not know why my mind is like that, maybe it’s my personality type, or maybe because I associate those three words with “Romance” which I am not really in to… I’m actually romantically constipated.
I know that sounds weird since I do like watching Yaoi and Yuri, and I do watch and read romance fan fictions/fictions; but I only do that because I feel happy when a couple end up together… but am I interested in romance for myself? Not really, to be honest I’d rather watch T.V. with my cat on Valentine’s day, or any day in general than go on dates. Call me abnormal but that’s the truth, my mom even nags me to have a romantic relationship already, be it with a boy or a girl; but I just don’t know why I feel like I don’t want to. Not that I’m not ready, because I totally am, it’s just that I feel like it’s emotionally draining, and I do not want the hassle, the poor person I might have a relationship with might just end up out in the cold, and it’ll be worse if the person has a high tolerance and fighting spirit since well, in the end they won’t find happiness that way.
Now let’s go back to confidence. When I was younger I lack confidence; maybe because I was already being criticized at a young age, by my parents (when they say that I can’t do something because it’s the reality), by some family members (because I’m my parent’s child) and by society and general, not to mention I was bullied in high school (when I was 12-15 years-old), I got my confidence back when teachers started praising me during recitations, because they think that I have great intellect for a kid of my age, maybe that’s why I like being called smart. Now from that kid who has zero confidence; I became the adult that has confidence and sometimes guilty of being over-confident, which bites me in the ass sometimes. In fact contrary to popular belief, I can get out of my house without makeup, or without brushing my hair and not feel ashamed. I’m just that type of person… I’m an asshole.
Now, why do I really like doing makeup? I like it mainly because of two reasons; it’s fun and to me it’s an artform! To me I feel like I’m going to create a masterpiece every single time I’m holding a brush, every single time I use my kit. And it takes my breath away every single time I succeed, and being the ambitious ass-wipe that I am; I want to make even more amazing things one after the other and it hurts twice more every single time I fail… but at the end of the day I’ll get up, hold a brush again and start making the art that I love making and voila after all that bull crap I made something even more amazing that it always boggles my mind every time, and it keeps propelling me to do more until I drop from exhaustion. It’s the same feeling that I get when I finish a good drawing or when I hit a hard note spot on. I feel more alive, inspired and breathing. I feel like it makes me more human, since with it I can feel passion. And to me that is wonderful, and every time I make a person look and feel glamorous or beautiful by wearing my art, it feels rewarding. It feels like I changed something major in the world even if I really did not. And I like that feeling, specially when I see their smiles, it feels addictive. And being a self indulging person, I love that feeling when that phenomena happens.
And in the end, I’d rather have my artwork be called beautiful than myself. ❤